So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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