i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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