True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We are two peas in an std pod
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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