I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
