I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
