hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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