He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
