If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
