That's intense
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
