dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
why is half of my head shaved?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
