Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
