we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
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i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
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Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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