I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
