M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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