so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
