My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
