you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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