i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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