The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
