We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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