I just found puke in my bra..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
