Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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