When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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