I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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