I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
