Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
being pregnant is like rehab
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
