I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
