1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
