and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
