Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
