The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
