You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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