God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
