who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
