Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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