The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
