see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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