you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
