I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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