I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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