What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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