just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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