Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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