The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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