I puked a lego.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize