apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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