I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
