you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
