That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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