This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
