i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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