I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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