i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
