You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
