I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
