I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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