I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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