sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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