My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
