I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
