so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
